


Golden Break of Dawn

by dykeologie



Series: Tales of Prythian [1]
Category: A Court of Thorns and Roses Series - Sarah J. Maas, MAAS Sarah J. - Works
Genre: Coming Out, F/F, Internalized Homophobia, azriel punches terfs, cassian is a himbo, i love the inner circle so much, mor deserves the world, no beta we die like men, this is my first fic ahh!, umm im a mor kinnie so i project onto her
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-24
Updated: 2020-10-10
Packaged: 2021-03-08 01:20:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,107
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26627398
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dykeologie/pseuds/dykeologie
Summary: After centuries in the closet, Mor figures its time to tell her closest friend what she's been hiding all these years
Series: Tales of Prythian [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1937068
Comments: 6
Kudos: 20





	1. Chapter 1

Mor peered through the window of the townhouse as she heard the swift wind of Azriels wings growing closer. She hadn't seen her friend in a few days as he had been sent to help Cassian and Nesta with tasks at the Illyrian camp.

She took a breath steadying the butterflies in her stomach as she thought about what she was planning on telling him. Azriel and Elain grew closer day by day and Mor knew that it was cruel to make him wait any longer for a confession from her that would never come. She could never love Azriel the way the world expected her too. There would be no tied up,neat ends between the two of them, no professions of love, no long awaited happily ever after. All she could hope for is that her best friend wouldn't be too angry at her for holding certain cards close to her chest.

‘You’ve held it from him for centuries, what's one more day.’ A cowardly voice sneered in her brain. She shook her head in an attempt to rid it and any other remaining doubts still hiding in its corners. She deserved freedom and Azriel deserved happiness. The cruel spell that the mother had cast had lasted too long. It would be no longer that the fae with the power of truth spun a web of lies over the people she loved and trusted most. 

Mor went out to the balcony as he landed. 

“Az,” Mor cried, throwing her arms around his neck. He caught her weight with one hand, a grimace pulling his face. 

“What's wrong?” her brow creased with worry. “Are you hurt, do you want me to call a healer?”

“Dont worry” he shushed her. “Just a sprain in my wrist, you were exactly the person I needed to see.”

She ushered him into the living room without any thought of truth burning her chest gone, all her focus now on fixing the Shadowsingers wrist.

“What are you doing here.” He gestured to the house “Its solstice tonight, Rita’s is going to get crowded” he stated, eyebrow raised. 

“Actually we’re going to Feyre and Rhys new house for solstice” Mor beamed “And besides are you really complaining?” Mor asked gesturing at his arm as she gently got to work  
.  
“‘Course not,I just know it's one of your favorite nights, you wouldnt turn down a chance to show us all up for nothing,” Azriel said with a chuckle.

“Oh shut up” Mor replied, eyes rolling. “Somebody’ has to make up for the fact that you and Cassian only seem to own fighting leathers.”

Azriel tipped his head and let out a thunderous laugh, shadows flickering in amusement.

“Actually-” Mor started before her qualms stopped her. “I wanted to talk to you about something.” 

Azriels knit his brows in confusion, edges of his shadowy tendrils retreating back to his body.  
“Okay,” he said with a frown. “What is it?” 

Mor took a breath, steadying herself and raised her eyes from where she had fixed them on his arm. “When you found me in the woods and brought me home, I knew that-, that seeds had been planted for whatever this” she gestured between the two of them “Is, I know that our… dynamic has confused people.” 

Azriel said nothing as he sat waiting for Mor to finish,his mouth pulled into a confused frown.

“And, and I know-” Mor’s eyes welled up, “I know that- that everytime, you came close to telling me how you feel for if I felt that you got too close, I would… .ruin it” Her face crumpled in guilt for the indirect hurt she caused. She hastily wiped her eyes and took a shuddering breath to continue but was interrupted.

“Mor” Azriel murmured. “Mor look at me” Tears only streamed faster down her face as she looked down at the floor, unable to meet his eyes. He tilted her chin up gently in his good hand, searching her eyes. 

“Morrigan, I am so,” He closed his eyes and took a breath “So sorry, If I ever made you feel, bad, or ashamed, or pressured to do anything with me, or feel anything for me, I never meant to make you feel obligated or hurt-” 

“Azriel, I know, I know you never meant to hurt me, none of this is your fault, it's not even my fault, I don't know who it could be maybe kiers or-,” Mor rambled hurriedly in an attempt to soothe his worry.

“Kier?” Azriel's voice took on a hardened edge. “What did he do, what happened, did he find you? He shouldn't have even been up here or been able to see you-” Azriel grabbed his coat and shot up from the settee, hellbent on finding the Steward,conversation at hand completely forgotten. 

“Azriel sit down” Mor hissed, grabbing his wrist “Just let me finish.” She implored

“Sorry” Azriel apologized flushed, “I heard you say ‘Kier’ and got upset”

Mor chose her words cautiously, a mirror of the careful dance they had been doing for centuries “I know that me dodging you when things would happen and avoiding you when things became more serious, Hurt you sometimes and that I made you feel, no- I acted in a way that made it seem like I didn’t care about you. And seeing you now so happy with Elain,” Mor squeezed his hand gently ,looking up at him eyes lined with the silver from the relief and joy she felt from her friend “I think it's time to tell you the truth that-” Mor met Azriel’s eyes as his he squeezed her hand in encouragement “That the reason I’ve never been able to, or ever will be able to love you the way you deserve is because-” Her gaze broke. All her courage washed away with the words now on her tongue. She felt the weight of them there and knew how they could change everything.

“I prefer women.” Her voice broke on the last syllable

She locked eyes with him nervously, waiting for a response, tears etching her face as she worried her lip anxiously. Azriel said nothing, continuing to brush his thumb against hers, eyebrows furrowed as he studied her anxious face, throat bobbing. 

Mor rushed to fill the silence as she wiped her eyes, preferring anything over his quiet study of her face “It's not like, it's not like I didn't enjoy mens.. company, there was never anything there, there were no emotions they were just…. Pretty things for me to have fun, I even did it to-” Her voice hitched “even Cassian but he never loved me I was just someone to have fun with, but- but you, Azriel I-I knew the way you saw me the second I saw you in that camp and I could just tell. Az I could have never done that to you. It wasn't fair I could never love you like-like you deserve.”

“Morrigan” Azriel stuttered. Mor gaze flickered towards him, wide eyes surprised, Azriel never stuttered, always careful with the few words he spoke. “Mor” He tilted her head up to look at him “Thank you for telling me ” He kissed her temple “and trusting me”

Mor pulled back to look up at him and opened her mouth.”of cou-”  
“Shush” Azriel pinched her lips shut between his thumb and forefinger “Let me finish”. 

“I won't deny that I was in love you, or that I haven't loved you the second I saw you shivering next to Rhys at the Illyrian camp” Mor shoulders sagged defeatedly “Please Mor look at me”

Mor’s brows furrowed as she looked at her friend, her best friend, he gently smoothed the crease between her eyes and continued, “Mor I was in love with you, was; And a part of me,” he took a breath “A part of me wishes we had a chance, that we could have been that for each other, But never, never feel bad about who you are, you don't owe me, or anyone else, a second glance if you don't want to. “ 

“Your my friend first Mor, whatever else I wanted from you, whatever anyone else wants from you, that weight doesn't fall on your shoulders.” 

Mor let out a breath she hadn’t realized she had been holding. “You're not… angry?” She asked cautiously still waiting for the outburst of rage that Illyrian men were known for “Your not upset that I kept this from you, or that I hadn't told you sooner, that I wasted your time?”

Azriel pursed his lips at her. “Of course I wish that I had known sooner, at least so you wouldn't have been so alone, and a part of me wishes I had known that what I wanted was impossible, but I can't be upset at you Mor, especially not about this.”

“So this doesn't change anything?” she asked hopefully.

“Not a thing” Azriel promised. “Although.... I am quite excited to play wingman setting you up.” A beat passed. “Get it? Wing man?” Azriel flexed his shoulders, wings wagging with them.

“Oh your impossible!” Mor giggled, elbowing him with an eye roll.

A comfortable silence fell over them as Mor toyed with Azriels siphons as both of them relaxed into the couch, leaning into each other. 

“Can I ask you something?” Azriel asked, voice suddenly shy. Mor hummed in agreement, running her fingers along his scarred hand.

“You don't owe me an explanation, but, after the meeting with the high lords at the Dawn Court” Mor sucked in a breath knowing what question was coming “After Eris and Beron and everything that happened, why did you sleep with Helion?” Azriel asked softly.

“You got so defensive, so angry at Eris and you were seething and so riled up, and I didnt want you to be too attached” A quiet hung over them “Im sorry, I knew it would hurt you and I did it anyway Az, for 500 years I've done things that would leave you confused and stung, but especially then. I- I was to afraid to tell you the truth so instead I hurt you over and over and over again.” Mor looked up at her confidant apologetically “I’ll never be able to apologize to take it back or thank you enough for… for staying by my side, and being my friend, and being so patient and loving me and defending me through it all. What I did, it wasn't fair, and I should have told you, but I thought I was protecting you.” Mor confessed.

Azriel bit his lip, deep in thought. “I think I always knew. In my chest, I knew you weren't , doing things like that for no reason, disappearing at Rita’s without a trace, coming back after your night with Helion looking as if you hadn't gotten an ounce of rest; and besides” A half smile formed on his lips “Your not the only one with uncanny abilities” Azriels shadows fluttered as is they were chuckling along with him. 

Mor smacked him gently “So you had an idea this entire time? And didn't ask or say anything? I would say I’m annoyed, but I’m impressed this time Spymaster, usually you’re itching to know our secrets.”  
Azriel shouldered her back “I knew you were keeping something from me, and I knew that it wasn't without reason. If you had something to hide, especially from us. I knew it was important, and if we were meant to know, you would tell us eventually.” Azriel smoothed her golden hair as she nodded in understanding.

Mor went into the kitchen and turned on the kettle, as Azriel trailed behind her “Is that why you slept with Cassian in the first place? To escape Eris, to not have to hide yourself?”

Mor looked back at him over her shoulder, “You know how the Court of NIghtmares is, they would handed me over gagged and bound if I had told them who I would love, I, I’m so lucky that I have all this” she gestured to the window “Velaris and my friends and a home to call my own, I would endure it over and over again if it meant coming back to this

“That's why you were so angry,” Azriel cursed in guilt steeped realization. “And when Rhys and I bartered with Eris and Kier, we gave up Velaris, the one place where you could be yourself without someone watching your every move” He looked at her forlornly, “I’m so sorry, I didn't even have a clue, but still” he sighed dejectedly “We should have at least warned you before hand.” Azriel leaned his elbows against the counter, head in his hands “Mor, I’m so sorry.” 

Mor offered him a closed lipped smile and shook her head “We would have lost the war without the Darkbringers. I might have lost one of you. I’d rather hide myself for another 5 centuries than lose one of you. Ever” The pair locked eyes a million more apologies, forgiveness and confessions floating between them.  
Mor slid a cup of tea over the counter to him. “It’s okay, really. I just go to my cabin whenever Kier pops up and I’m usually fine.”

Azriel sighed as he gently blew over his mug. He looked like he was bursting with more to say but kept quiet. Mor took notice and asked as she she took a sip of her own “Out with it then, you look like you have a swarm of bees in your mouth, I know you have more to say”

Azriel took a sip and pieced the words together carefully in his head “I still don't understand why you never told any of us, it's not like we would have cared or thought any different of you, why did you keep it from us?”

“It was something I had for myself, completely for myself. No matter what my father or brothers or Eris or Beron said. They didn't know me, not the real me; I was the wildest horse in the world and they thought I was a prize mare to be kept in a stable. I love who I am, and I love people like me, but the idea of Kier finding out of all of Hewn City knowing who I was, of them throwing it in my face like it made me less than, or finding out who I loved and threatening them-” Her bottom lip wobbled as she blinked away a fresh set of tears “I just couldn't risk it.”

“Is there anyone specific you were trying to protect from them?” Azriel asked gently

Mor eyes fluttered towards him, quickly grasping what was being asked “There was.” She hugged herself tight before continuing. “During the war, there was a human queen Andromache” tears began to spill down her face as she continued “She was funny and sweet and knew me better than I knew myself, but she was human and a Queen, so after the last battle I grew cowardly and left. I-I didn't even tell her goodbye properly” Mor’s voice cracked as she buried her face in her hands wiping at her tears “I regretted it instantly and tried to find her again, but the wall went up the next day and it was impossible to get around.”

Mor shook with sobs in her chest “I finally got through 3 years later but I was too late, she was married and had a beautiful baby girl and was expecting another by then. I couldn't take her from her family. I knew she wouldn't keep secrets from them, so I let her go. She passed away old and happy and safe. Five children and many grandchildren” Mor let out a shuddering breath as she tried to regain control.

Azriel strode past the counter crushing his best friend to his chest “I’m so sorry” he murmured. “I’m so sorry that you didn't get more time, and you had to carry all that grief all alone” Azriel rested his chin on Mor’s crown of golden hair “I wish I had known, I wish I could have helped look for her or claw away at the wall or even flew over or something” He raked his fingers through his hair in frustration. 

Mor smiled ruefully at him and squeezed his hand “It’s okay, loving her, having her, having someone love me like that; that was the kindest gift the cauldron has ever given me. I’d go through it again and again even if it meant I would only know her for that moment in time” 

Azriel shook his head, sorrow filled eyes studying her. “Does, does anyone else know?” he asked Mor, “About… any of it?”

Mor nodded ,“Your not my first confidant, my apologies. I told Feyre at the Battle of Hybern. We got into an argument about... lying. She saw how I was hurting you and got angry at me for accusing her of not caring about us after she left to go find Suriel, We fought and spat and she walked out before I could amend it. The next time I saw her, you were winnowing to Hyberns camp to get Elain and didn't know if I would see her again” A knife twisted at her stomach as she recalled the memory of her High Lady and friend disappearing into the shadows. “She was the only one brave enough to question what I was doing and I knew it hurt her to see you like that just as much as it hurt me, so I told her” Azriel hummed in understanding 

“Amren pieced it together too, but I think she’s assuming that she figured me out before I did” Mor laughed dryly. “Mmm who else, well you mentioned Rita, a lot of us frequent there for company and to come out of hiding.”

“Well I’m glad you could talk to someone about it Mor, I’m sorry you had to keep it hidden from us”

Mor shot Azriel a half smile of appreciation “I kept you all in the dark out of my own cowardice and fear of Kier, none of you ever made me feel like I had to keep it hidden.”

“Are you planning on telling the others any time soon? It doesn’t really matter to me, I just want to be careful and not accidentally blurt anything out”

Mor squeezed his hand in gratitude “I was actually planning on telling everyone at the solstice dinner tonight” She glanced cautiously at him. “Come with me?” 

Azriel beamed as he swept her into his arms “It would be my honor to accompany you m’lady.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mor tells the rest of her family what she has been holding back for centuries

Mor gazed at her reflection in the mirror and adjusted one last curl. Summer Solstice was the mark of the start of her favorite season; hot humid days of endless sunshine would sink into balmy cool nights speckled with fireflies carried by a breeze filled with the smell of lavenders and smoke from Illyrian bonfires, even the miserable lot of Hewn Court would come up and enjoy the spectacle that summer offered. 

As she pinned one last hair into place she heard the front door creak open downstairs and a set of feet making their way over into the sitting room “I’ll be down in a minute Az! Just give me a moment!” Mor cried from her room. 

She had chosen a burnt orange ensemble for the night. A floor grazing body hugging skirt topped with gold organza, paired with a halter top that tied gracefully around her neck and back. The attire was something that she would normally shy away; as it left her stomach exposed. Even though Magda had made sure she was healed without a trace sometimes it felt like her could still feel the spikes going through her stomach, the iron grip of her brothers arms as they pinned her to the floor, her vocal chords tearing as she screamed and sobbed for someone,  _ anyone  _ to help her as they left her for dead.

But she  **had** survived and she  **had** made it out of that hell hole. She grazed her abdomen gently, staring at it in the mirror. She was stronger now, hadn't been broken then and wouldn't be broken now

She strapped her shoes to her feet and padded downstairs to find Azriel leaning against the couch beaming at her. “You're looking lovely, as always. Is there a pageant the rest of us don't know about?” Azriel teased with a laugh

“I’m just making sure everyone has something nice to look at when their eyes start protesting after staring at you for too long” Mor cut back a twinkle in her eye. Azriel tipped his head back and laughed, attire stretching along his torso with him. He was wearing a navy velvet tunic, threaded with silver leaves across the chest, down the over seam of the arm, and wrapped around the cuff. His deep blue-black trousers completed the set, making him look not like his usual Illyrian warrior, but a courtly Lord.

He offered his arm for her to grab as he asked “So which is it today, winnow or wings?” 

“If you don't mind, I actually wanted to walk. Velaris will be beautiful tonight; everyone in The Artists Quarters will be up all night.” Mor replied

Azriel gave in with a cock of his head “Your right, It is the first day of summer after all, might as well enjoy it” He opened the door for them as they stepped out and headed down the street towards the city. 

The cloudy skies from earlier had made for a beautiful sunset today full of purples oranges and pinks. The rays cast a halo around Velaris. She should ask Feyre to paint it one day She would happily buy it from her and hang it up in her cottage or something. 

“Whats on your mind?” Azriel asked watching her carefully “Your face has a dangerous look on that it gets when you know your about to get your way” He smirked at her

“Oh, Nothing!” Mor replied cheerfully “I just know what I’m going to ask Feyre for for my birthday” She said with a grin

“Oh, do you now? A d what might that be?”

“I can't tell you!! Then it won't be a surprise!” Mor cried, playing along.

Azriel shook his head and rolled his eyes “Your impossible”” 

Mor laughed with him, resting her head against his arm. They strode towards Velaris in a comfortable silence, occasionally broken with Mor’s quips about how the city had evolved since she had first seen it and Azriel’s questions about her life whilst updating her on his own. 

Mor tilted her head up and looked up at him, pursuing her lips. 

Azriel matched her gaze, cocking his own head looking down at her “What is it ?” he asked 

Mor continued to look at him for a beat “I’m just surprised at how much lighter I feel” She said softly with a smile looking at their joint hands. “It’s not like I wouldn't have told you any of this before or I was a different person yesterday… I just feel like there is a weight off my shoulders now, knowing that you know everything and I don't have to keep.. Keep lying to you.” She finished with a soft exhale. 

Azriel gazed at her face and squeezed her hand softly. “I’m….I’m just glad Mor, you can share some of the weight of the world on our shoulders too,” He said softly lips grazing her temple

They continued down the path towards Feyre’s house snuggling close together attempting to ward off the chill of late spring. When they finally arrived at the door Mor gently pulled herself away from his warm body and lifted the door knocker.

Before she could even set it down, Feyre flung open the door “You came!” she cried throwing her arms around Mor and then around Azriel “You’re both the first ones here, so unfortunately for you two, you get to help me set up.” she smiled at them apologetically as she beckoned them through the entryway.

Mor and Azriel followed their high lady into the house and helped her finish setting up; fresh flowers in the kitchen, lighting candles around the sitting room, and fishing spare chairs out of the closet. 

“What have you guys been doing this morning then, how come you guys came together?” asked Feyre as they finally settled into the settee waiting for the other guests.

“I came back from the Illyrian camp to your townhouse, Mor helped fix my arm, I uh.. sprained it at the camp” Azriel said, flashing his eyes at Mor, hoping to avoid to many pressing questions

“Oh! What were you doing at the house then Mor?” Feyre asked, turning towards her friend.

Mor cleared her throat wiping her sweaty palms on her dress “Actually I told-” Mor started, but was cut off with an impatient rapping at the door.   
  


“Let us in would you! Amren’s gonna eat me alive” A voice thundered from outside.

Feyre rolled her eyes and strode over to open the door. “She won’t stop just because you're inside you know.” She called back shaking her head, as she opened the door, hugging Cassian’s side.

“You fool, I don't eat like that anymore and even if I did I wouldn't touch you, even if it was the last thing left on earth” Amren hissed back taking off her coat. 

“Aww, I’m touched Oh ancient One.” Cassian simpered at her mockingly. Carefully dodging a jab of her elbow. “She's especially cranky today, her sweet prince is enjoying his own courts festivities this time” Cassian stage whispered to the group, behind his hand. 

The duo strode into the living room together plopping into the couches and chairs. “Never give up a chance to show off, do you Mor?” asked Cassian with a smirk gesturing to her outfit. 

“It's a solstice prick, at least consider cleaning up a little” She retorted trying to fend off the smile tugging at the corner of her lips.

“You and Rhysand and your damn finery” Cassian barked out a laugh. "I'll never understand “ he said tossing his head.

“Speaking of Rhysand, where is he?” Amren asked peering around the room

“He’s gone to get Elain and Nesta, they were just spending some time tending Elain’s garden for summer.” Feyre answered.

At the mention of the two sisters names Azriel and Cassian brightened, bodies swiveling towards the door, anxiously awaiting the final guests. 

“They’ll be awhile, Rhys wanted to have them help pick something for dessert.” Feyre said gently. She was grateful toward her mate’s attempt to grow closer to her sisters, but it wasn't always easy for him; their raging tempers often sent them their separate ways sooner than expected. Rhys was still reluctant to forgive the eldest sister for what Feyre endured in her childhood and the older sister still harbored resentment towards all of Fae for stealing her and Elain’s lives away from them, as well as endangering her sister. 

As small conversations broke out the room and the sun finally disappeared into the horizon, the last set of guests came in. “Hope we didn’t keep you guys too long, we all know how miserable you would have been without me” smiled Rhys as he gestured for the sisters to sit

Elain chose a seat at the bay window next to Azriel, shooting him a shy smile; while Nesta sat across from Cassian on the ottoman raising an eyebrow at him in greeting.

As soon as everyone got settled Feyre looked around at them “Sorry everyone our dining room isn't completely done yet,I figured we could eat outside” she suggested a she beckoned everyone through the backdoor

Elain helped her bring the food out, flushing when the Court complimented on her plaited breads and cakes. No one lifted a finger until everyone was settled however, Azriels enforcement of patience from Winter Solstice still on their mind.

As the group finally settled into their blankets and pillows Mor saw her chance and took a breath. “I wanted to tell you all something.” The faces of her friends turned towards her quizzically. She met Feyre’s eyes and gave a small nod, watching as realization bloomed across her face. Mor folded her hands into her lap and looked up “For the better part of a millennium I’ve known some of you” She met Cassian's eyes with a smile “Some of you I haven’t even known five years” She beamed at Feyre and shot Nesta a tentative smile, “But you are all so important to me and I’ve realized that we are family, and seeing as important you all are;” she looked towards her cousin and Cassian, “I can't keep hiding part of me from you any longer.”

The faces around her were still blank and confused, save Feyre who had tears glittering in her eyes and Azriel who was worrying his lip before he smiled at her encouragingly.

She took a steadying breath and looked up “You all know how I came to join the Night Court, and what I made Cassian do to escape my father. And you all have assumed, rightfully so, that I did it to escape Eris and the Autumn Court. But there is one more piece you all are missing.” Mor looked around at her friends again and saw Amren give her a knowing look. “I had to escape the Court of NIghtmares, because… “ she sucked in her cheeks anxiously “I prefer women”. 

Mor closed her eyes and buried her face in her hands, waiting for a yell or a gasp or  _ someone _ to say something, but it was silent enough to hear a pin drop. Even the trees rustling in the wind stilled, clinging on to her every word.

She slowly peeked out to gauge everyone's reaction only to find Cassian staring at her “You’ve haven't told us this for 500 years?”

She met his sharp gaze with wide eyes ``Yes, I-I’ve known this about my sense before I even met you. I- I was too scared to tell anyone” She bit her lip as she studied his unreadable expression.

“Scared?” Rhys said sharply “There's nothing to be scared of, none of us would have cared or would have done anything-”

“I  _ know _ none of you would have done anything, I wasn't scared of your reaction. I was… scared what would happen if the news got out or Kier found out and came up to Velaris.”

“And when these fucking idiots practically gave him the key to the city-” started Cassian with a growl.

“Shut up you prick, this isn't about you,” hissed Amren, eyes carefully watching the golden haired Fae in front of her. 

Cassian rolled his eyes but kept his mouth closed, grinding his teeth. 

Rhys studied the guests around the table carefully “Still, Mor 500 years... How did you manage to keep this under wraps and hide it so long,  _ why _ did you hide it so long....” He trailed off a frown settling into his face.

Mor sat up sensing her friends' annoyance at each other and tension swirling in the air “I kept this to myself because I needed to protect myself, I needed to protect people that I loved. Keir, Eris, Beron, you all know how they are; I wasn't going to take a chance with lives like that.” Mor said sharply in one breath.

Cassain turned towards her incredulously “We can protect ourselves” he retorted scowling.

“You're not the only people that I love, or the only people I was trying to protect” bit back Mor furiously. 

_Wait,_ ** _fuck_** she thought, but it was too late. She winced as she felt Amrens' keen stormy eyes studying her face.

“Dear Mother girl, don't tell me you've been keeping a lover hidden for this long too.” she said, tsking.

Mor’s shoulders sagged, “Kept” she murmured softly to herself.

“Wait, what was that, what’s her name?” Cassian craning his neck closer to hear her.

“I kept a lover, she.. she passed.” Mor sighed as she felt the lump in her throat grow. She caught her friend's gazes in the corner of her eye . Nesta was watching her face carefully, face filled with a mixture of pity and regret. Rhysand was stone still clenching utensils in his hand. Cassian’s faced was aghast with horror. Only Elain spoke.

“Do you want to tell us what happened?” she asked carefully as she slid into the empty spot next to Mor reaching for the trembling golden hands in her own freckled, calloused ones.

Mor met her kind gaze. ”She was… Andromache, the human queen during the war.” she started carefully, a wobble overtaking her voice “It was during the first great war, she was human, an ancestor of the fourth queen from the cauldron the one they killed. We met in the war and it was brief but...” She trailed off reminiscing about those moments of peace in the battlefield, how she had felt invincible and infinite so full of hope and promise. 

Tonight would be the third time she told this story aloud, but instead of easing the pain, each retelling only seemed to make it worse, solidifying the corporeal memory of who and what she had lost, the dull ache in her chest growing stronger. She took a deep breath, cracking her heart once more and continued “She was the human queen, and I was scared of our time being limited, so I let her go. I knew it was a mistake before dawn had broken the next day but by that time….” She looked away, biting the inside of her cheek as her vision grew blurry “By the time I got over the wall she was married and had a baby girl, I- I couldn't take her away from that,” she finished softly with a sigh. Mor wiped at the tears falling down her cheeks looking carefully around the circle waiting for more probing questions.

Nesta, surprisingly, was the first to break the silence. “I can't imagine how hard that must have been. Leaving someone you love to have a better life because they were human... even though you knew you had a connection with them.” But when Mor looked up, Nesta was looking past her, eyes instead on Cassian's face, her eyes intense and unblinkling, a live wire stretching between the two of them, taut with passion and hunger.

Rhys chimed in cautiously, eyes studying her, but mind elsewhere “I wish we could have helped Mor, find her, or been there for you when you were grieving or felt like you lost her, or….. or something.” He huffed through his nose. 

Mor met the gaze of her friends carefully, her warm brown eyes locking with each pair around the circle, trying to convey her gratitude “Thank you for being here, and listening, and offering support, no matter how long you have known me. I love you all so,  _ so _ dearly and I’m glad to get this off my chest.” Mor fluttered her eyes as her voice cracked once more “I have searched for the courage to tell you all this for 500 years, and I’m so glad I finally have… but I’d wait 500 more if it meant I knew you all were waiting for me on the other end ” 

Elain clasped Mor’s other hand “Thank you so much for telling us, you didn't deserve to go through all that alone, and I’m happy to be here for you now, in whatever way you need ” she smiled softly at her, her dainty features and kind eyes full of sincerity and warmth. Mor tugged the corner of her lips up and offered the youngest Archeron sister a weak watery smile.

A thick silence fell over the bunch as the fae. both ancient and newly turned, pondered what Mor had told them.

“Did, did anyone else know....before this I mean?” Cassian asked with a rasp, eyes tortured with unshed tears.

Mor looked over to her High Lady gratefully. “I-I told Feyre first at the battle of Hybern.“She and I got into an argument about…” She looked towards the Shadowsinger and back at Cassian “We just got into a discussion about our.. dynamic,” she finished tightly

“And she told me this morning.” Azriel murmured from the corner.

“And I had an idea,” added Amren thinly “I never said anything it wasn't mine to tell but…” She faded off, for once at a loss of words.

Cassain nodded pursing lips thoughtfully “So you never thought of telling me then? I just get to sit in as you air your dirty laundry to everyone?” He laughed bitterly, shaking his head in disbelief.

“Cassian” hissed Nesta immediately. “Shut your damn mouth.”

Cassain just squinted at Mor and ran his tongue over his teeth, jolting off of his seat, wings beating furiously as anger rolled off his shoulders. 

“Cassian  _ sit down _ ” Rhys thundered, power unfurling. 

Cassian only tilted his head and curled his lip, taking off into the night, the wind from his wings blasting into their faces as he left behind.

Mor’s stomach went cold as she stretched her powers to feel a cool wall of anger or resentment. But instead of she was only met with a wave of guilt and frustration. Not at her, but instead at himself and the rest of the wretched men of their wicked world. She felt anguish and despair burning in the fiery pit of his stomach as if it was her own. She watched as his black wings melted into the night sky, disappearing into the horizon.

“Well it could have gone worse.” She barked out a strained laugh. “Fuck, don't worry about it we’ll sort it out later, we always do” She promised her friends around her. 

“C’mon it’s getting cold lets go sit in front of the fire.” Feyre added in an attempt to diffuse the tension. Mor made a note to thank her catching on and led the way into the house, taking the food in with her.

~~~

  
  


Mor watched from her seat at the window as a light conversation started up again, her confession in the garden nearly forgotten as the Court celebrated the holiday. She felt someone slip behind her and turned to find Rhysand next to her, studying their family with her. 

“It doesn’t seem real does it?” he asked her, smiling ruefully

She sighed and rested her head against his shoulder. “It went better than I could have dreamed, - Cassian isn't mad at me by the way just himself - I just.. It doesn't feel real, I feel like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop or Kier to come blasting through those doors and pick me apart or something.” She frowned trying to find the right words “It feels like I’m watching through a window, like I’m not really a part of it or I…” Her voice faded, afraid to finish the sentence.

“It feels like you don't deserve it.” Rhysand finished for her quietly. Mor tilted her head to look at him, devastation across her face. “I know.” He started before she could open her mouth. “I know what it's like to have your worst nightmares come to life and think you’ll never get out. I know what it’s like to risk it all on one chance. I know what it feels like to be dragged back.” Rhysand whispered, knuckles white as he clenched the wooden seat. 

Mor enveloped his shaking grip in her hands “We got out Rhys. We survived those places ” she murmured back to him. “No one can hold us, not anymore.” 

She looked at her cousin's tense face carefully. The boy that messed around with her and cracked jokes with his brothers had disappeared when he finally came back after 5 decades, nearly all the joy sucked out of him. She was the one that watched as he wrestled with the love that he had let go, watched as his brothers clenched their fists whenever Rhys startled easily, watched as he tried to hold himself together day after day, week after week, month after month. Having your body not be treated as it was your own, having to crave death as a form of mercy, having to live without a glimmer of hope at all. It hardens you, makes you appreciate every ray of sun and every moment you get to be free but forces you to look behind and watch your back; watch one’s own back to see what's lurking behind corners and prod around before you feel like you could get comfortable with someone and take down your walls. Rhysand and her hadn't gone through the same thing, the sacrifices he made for his friends, his court, his people out weighed her calculated ‘mistake’ but that desperation that had filled them, the grip they held onto shreds of hope, the demons that would haunt them and them alone; those were the same, those were cut from the same cloth.

They sat there appreciating each other's company for the first time in a while, the warm weight of the poignant words left unsaid between them. 

“I- I can't promise that I wont mess up again.” Started Rhys. ‘Or that I won't risk it all to save the Night Court, or hurt you again, but…” He paused, turning his face towards her, sure to look her in the eyes. “I promise Mor, I’ll fight like hell with you, for you, for whoever you love. Against Kier, against Eris, against anybody and anything. You don't have to bear these things alone anymore” He looked at her solemnly, voice thick with emotion. The sincerity in his voice and his heart overwhelmed her swept her under the curtain of his endless night, she blinked back tears. 

“Thank you.” She whispered back, swallowing the lump in her throat. “Yours to Rhys, they aren't just yours to bear, we want to protect you to.” 

He smiled at her apologetically. “I know, I'm working on it…. Along with everything else about me that annoys you” He said a smile tugging at his lips

Mor rolled her eyes at him “You’re impossible, you prick. ” She threw her shoulder into him, annoyed, but he caught her gracefully, looping an arm around her shoulder instead. “I know” he muttered, kissing her cheek gently “Thank you for putting up with it” he said as he leaned them back together, watching gratefully as their family flitted around them, safe and happy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ahhh! I added a ch 2 sorry it took so long i had midterms and a project due ;_; I hope everyone likes it! Ill probably add another short chapter about her and cassian sometime in the next two weeks! thank you all for the kudos and comments and lovely words, I hope i'm doing Mor justice!

**Author's Note:**

> ahhhh! I hope everyone liked it, if u want a ch2 with her telling the rest of the court pls let me know! i have more stories about all of them living in my head! Azriel is a lot softer/less stoic in these than he in in the book im gonna credit that to elain


End file.
